A Series of Rather Awkward EdVents
by V the Happy Lurker
Summary: In which you shall find Edd's quest of identity, Eddy confronted by the burden of maturity, and Ed...just being Ed. [WARNING: Slash, foul language, and other weirdness inside.]
1. Driving Miss Edd

V's gotten on an _Ed, Edd, and Eddy_ kick. Hence the beginning of _yet another_ fanfic… Curse my many geeky pursuits.

_Disclaimer: Nope. V no owns the Eds, though she would like Ed as a house pet._

**A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents**

_Episode 1: Driving Miss Edd_

"Today's the day, boys!" Eddy barked, racing well ahead of the other Eds as they charged toward the junkyard. "Yes, sir! Just wait till you see her! She's a real beaut, an American Classic! She's the quintessential dream machine! And she's all _mine_! Soon, we'll be riding to school in style. Man, I can't wait to see the look on Kevin's face when I pull up in—"

"A Super-secret government UFO sent by the Overlords of Venus that we may go to the Great Dank Jungles of VOORISH and battle the Mi-Go from Yuggoth, there by freeing the captive mind of Ambrose Bierce and bring peace unto our dimension!"

Eddy froze and glared at the stupidly hopefully Ed. Before the shorter teen could lash out with some snippy comment, Double D came wheezing up to them.

"Ed…wheeze… It's rude to interrupt." Edd took a hit off his inhaler before turning to Eddy. "I honestly fail to see what the rush is, Eddy. It isn't as though this car of yours is going to drive off by itself. And need I remind you that neither of us has a license yet? We just started Driver's Ed yesterday, for Pete's sake!"

"Details, details!" muttered Eddy. "Besides, you've forgotten that Ed got held back a year."

Double D sighed. "And what, pray tell, does our beloved friend's deplorable academic condition have to do with your car?"

"Don't you get it, Sockhead! Lumpy turned sixteen last fall, so he got to take the Driver's Ed before us. And can you believe it?--The big lug actually passed the written test and the driving test! Ed here is now fully capable of chauffeuring yours truly around town in my brand new, fully restored '69 Mustang! At least till I get my license…." Eddy added, then elbowed his tall friend. "Go ahead, stupid. Show Double D your license."

Grinning dumbly, Ed dug out his wallet—stinky gym sock and all—and held it right under his germophobic friends nose. "Here you go, Double D! That's me, alright, but I look really funny in this picture because mom made me take a bath that night and comb my hair. She did let me take along my Super-lucky Donkey Tail key chain, so I was able to go back to my happy place again!"

"That's…_lovely_ Ed." Trying hard not to vomit, Edd politely backed away from the offending wallet.

"Are you ladies done? We've got our ride to pick up!" snapped Eddy as he took off down the sidewalk.

"Right behind you, Eddy!" Shouted big Ed, who promptly grabs up Double D and chases after their friend. After a short run with a stream of protests from Edd, they make it to junkyard were Ed promptly drops his friend onto a moldering sofa. He hands Edd a magazine before sitting down next to him. "There you go, Double D."

Edd stares at the garish monster-movie fanzine for a moment. Before he can say a word, a beautiful cherry-red vintage Mustang with to top down came roaring to a stop in front of them.

"Hey there, boys!" Eddy leapt out and posed by the car. "How you like the new wheels?"

Squealing with joy, Ed runs up to car and stares at his reflection on the hood. "Whoa! She's so _shiny_!"

"Yep. Just had her waxed today." Smacking Ed's hand away so he wouldn't smudge the finish, Eddy turned to a frowning Double D. "Well, what's the matter with you Sockhead? Too much for ya?"

"Too much is right, Eddy" Edd sneered disapprovingly. "How were you able to afford this? The price alone for a derelict vehicle of this make and model costs more than all the allowances you've ever had, and I know your parents certainly aren't irresponsible enough to entrust such a valuable antique to an emotionally immature, reckless teenage boy like yourself."

"Forget about it, Double D. Just lay back and bask in the beauty."

"Yeah, Double D!" chirped Ed, grabbing up his buddies in a big hug. "Bask in the beauty like Godzilla basks in the radioactive depths!"

"Hey Eddy!" shouted a voice straight from the depths of the trailer park.

Ed drops Eddy and Edd, staring in horror as Lee Kanker stomped toward them.

"Oh DEAR LORD!" Scuttling into the safety of big Ed's arms, Double D screams frantically. "I've still got that restraining order! You stay fifty feet away from me, Lee!"

"Shut the fuck up, Dorky." Lee hisses, ignoring Ed's protective death glares. "I just wanted my fuzzy dice back."

Eddy frowned in annoyance but hands over the fuzzy dice anyway. "Yeah, fine… Geez, you really know how to cramp a guy's style."

Lee simply growled, snatching the dice out of Eddy's hand. She then turned and stomped off.

Climbing out of Ed's arms, Edd gets up in Eddy's face with an abnormally pissed off expression. "LEE KANKER! YOU BOUGHT A CAR FROM THE KANKERS!"

"Calm down, Sockhead. You're gonna have an aneurysm."

"Aneurysm? ANEURYSM! I'LL SHOW YOU ANEURYSM!" In a shocking display of anger, Edd pulls back a fist to deck his insensitive friend only to have Ed catch hold of his wrist.

"Double D! This really is shamefully out of character for you, mister! Hitting Eddy would be bad and wrong. It is so bad and wrong to hit your friends that they need a new word, like 'wrongbad' or 'badong'. Yes! Hitting people is 'badong'."

Shaking, Edd takes a step back. "Thank you, Ed. And I…I sincerely apologize to both of you for my bizarre behavior lately. I suppose it's the manifestation of the extreme amount of stress I have been suffering lately. Once again, I beg you forgiveness for my sporadic outbursts."

"Hey, we're cool. Besides, you know I could take you in a fight anyway." Eddy murmured with a shrug. "I'm starving Let's go get some burgers. My treat."

"You? Buying dinner? Now _that's_ out of character!" Double D teased dryly, climbing into the back seat.

"Kiss my ass, Sockhead."

Happy that all was well again in the land of the Eds, big Ed clambered into the driver's seat and merrily drove to the local Sonics. He was so glad that he didn't even mind it when Eddy yelled at him for getting chili on the white leather upholstery, nor did Ed mind that Double D hadn't eaten. Tater-tots'n'chili always tasted better after they had sat around for a couple of weeks anyway. Eddy, however, was less blissfully unaware of their intellectual cohort's odd silence.

"Hey Double D!" Eddy shouted, turning toward Edd. "What's wrong? Kevin spit in your food again?"

Jerking up his head, Edd sighed sadly. "No. I'm just not hungry."

"Can I have your tots, Double D?" asked big Ed, eagerly accepting said greasy mass of potatoes and meat substitute Edd handed to him. Carefully looking out for enemy spies, Ed slipped the tots into his coat pocket.

"Okay Sockhead, enough of the angst!" huffed Eddy. "Just because everybody thinks it was you who got May knocked up doesn't mean we've gotta watch you mope for the rest of our lives! Get over it! So Lee and Marie beat the crap out of you just because you happen to be May's boyfriend?"

"For your information Eddy, May and I were not dating. She is a good and trusted friend of mine whom I have no carnal interest in whatsoever. It simply infuriates me the presumption that two people of the opposite gender can't socialize without there being some kind of sexual overtones. Haven't you people heard of a platonic relationship!"

"You and May are _aliens_?" barked Ed. "Can I ride in your space ship?"

"He said '_platonic_', monobrow, not '_Pluto_'!" Eddy groused, shoving big Ed out of the way. "What the hell does that mean, anyway?"

"Okay. Let me explain it this way." Double D gestured for Eddy to come closer and whispered into his ear. "I couldn't have impregnated May or any other girl because I think I'm…mumble-mumble…"

"Huh? I didn't catch that last bit."

Edd sighed. "I'm not the father, okay? But I do know who is."

"So who is it?"

With a huff, Edd turned away from Eddy. "The nerve! This is between May and the father. She took me into her confidence by telling about her pregnancy. It would be wrong for me to betray that trust by gossiping about it behind her back, no matter what her sisters have done."

"You _know_ who it is, don't you Double D? You've known all along, and you wound up in a traction pull most of the summer because you're such a self-righteous dumbass! I can't believe you were stupid enough to take a beating for some rat bastard who ditches the mother of his kid. If I were me, I would have told everybody and let the fink get what's coming to him. That is, unless I was dumb enough to tell…" Suddenly, Eddy gave him 'the look'. "Wait a minute. May's got something on you, doesn't she? She tells you who got her in the family way and you stupidly told her some terrible personal secret. Something so terrible, so humiliating, so unbelievably rotten that you couldn't even tell your two best friends…"

"I see through your ruse, Eddy." Double D snarled in icy tones. "And frankly, this is just the sort of childish tactics I've come to expect from you. If you can't be satisfied knowing that I am at least a man of principles, then I'm afraid we have nothing left to say to each other."

"Fine. Whatever."

Big Ed frowned at his two friends. "Aw, come on guys! Please don't start fighting again."

Eddy growled. "We wouldn't be fighting if Dorky back there would just tell me who the hell got May knocked up!"

"It was one of the teachers, okay?" snapped Edd before he pulled back into his funk.

Eddy gawked at him. "May was fucking a teacher! Oh man, no wonder she's not said anything."

"Eddy, you're lucky this is fanfiction otherwise we'd been pulled by the censors for that."

"Whatever. Now spill! Which teacher is it? I bet it's Coach Prickle. That jerk always came off as being a dirty old man…"

"Mr. Mausewitz." Edd mumbled quietly.

"Mousy Mausewitz, the biology teacher! You're kidding, right?" gasped Eddy in disbelief. "That guy couldn't even make it through the chapter on reproductive anatomy and you're telling us that he was trolling for jailbait?"

Edd abruptly lunged up into the front seat and grabbed Eddy by the collar. "Eddy, you must promise—no! I want you to swear on your eternal soul that you won't breath a word of this to anybody, understand? That goes for you too, Ed! No one else must know about this."

"Sure, sure…"

"_Swear it, Eddy!_"

Eddy started balling up his fist. "Oh, I'll swear alright…"

"I SWEAR TO KEEP THIS SECRET ON THE MIGHTY CHIN OF BRUCE CAMPBELL LEST I BE TURNED INTO A CANNABILISTIC DEADITE!" Ed roared, knocking both boys back with his chili breath.

When he had recovered, Edd sat up weakly. "Thank you, Ed."

Ed grinned. "Welcome."

"Well, fellows, it's getting late." Edd mused, glancing at the darkening sky. "I don't suppose we could be heading back home now?"

"You heard the man, Lumpy. Let's motor."

"Ed's Taxi at your service!" barked big Ed as he whipped out of the parking space and went down the road at a fast but precisely legal pace.

Eddy turned back to Double D. "Hey, Sockhead," he hollered above the whipping wind. "What were you mumbling about earlier? About you thinking you're what?"

"I said that I think I'm gay." Edd mumbled, thankful that his words were torn away before either of the others could hear them.

"Yeah, I'd say I've been having a pretty bad day too, Double D," shouted Eddy. "But at least we've got a car now."

On that note, Eddy cranked up the radio and the Eds drove on into the sunset.


	2. The Ed Strikes Back

**A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents**

_Episode 2: The Ed Strikes Back_

For the thirtieth time, Eddy checked his watch. He banged angrily on Ed's bedroom door. "Hurry up in there, Lumpy! We were suppose to met Double D an hour ago."

"Almost done Eddy-monkey."

Just as Eddy was about to kick the door in, it swung open and out leapt a creature with white hair and blazing red robes. The creature stood menacingly over Eddy, holding a rusty katana in one long nailed hand, it dog ears perked eagerly forward. Eddy could only scream like a frightened little girl.

"Wow! You must really like my costume!" big Ed chirped, fixing his wig with one hand while he scooped his whimpering friend up with the other. "I made it myself, right down to the articulating ears and the Tessaiga."

"And just what are you? Some kind of werewolf?"

"Nope! Boy, Eddy, you sure are dumb. I am Inuyasha, a dog han'y­ō from feudal Japan who is on a quest for the Scared Jewel shards to thwart the evil schemes of Naraku and for the sake of his beloved."

"Whatever, Lumpy" grumbled Eddy as he stomped upstairs. "C'mon, monobrow, let's go get Sockhead."

Sheathing the Tessaiga, Ed happily chased after Eddy on all fours. It took them almost thirty minutes to make the short walk over due to Ed's 'mighty need' to sniff every hydrate and tree they passed. Finally, they arrived and one severely annoyed Eddy rang the bell, watching in disgust as Ed scratched his doggy ears.

"**Greetings, young Eddy. I have been waiting for you…**" rasped Darth Vader as he stepped out onto the porch, causing yet more girly screaming from Eddy.

Vader laughed then pulled off his faceplate, revealing Edd's smirking face. "Happy Halloween."

"Holy fucking shit!" Eddy gasped, clutching his chest. "You nearly gave me a god damn heart attack! Why the hell did you dressed up like that! You know Darth Vader still scares the crap outta me."

"Well, excuse me! It was _your_ idea that this year we all dress up like movie characters…Which, as I see, you failed to follow through with…"

Eddy huffed up and flipped the collar up on his bomber jacket. "Shows what you know, Dork Vader. I'm Maverick from Top Gun. After all," he purred, putting on a pair of aviator shades. "I do look like Tom Cruise."

Double D rolled his eyes. "Well, you certainly are the same height…" He put the faceplate back and strode with a threatening dignity down the sidewalk. "**Come. We are expected at the home of Nazz for this evenings festivities. We have not the time to spare for you to loiter here and indulge your petty vanity.**"

"Geez…" hissed Eddy as he and Ed trotted after their friend. "Do you really have to wear that thing?"

"Hush, Eddy!" Ed whispers tersely in his friend's ear. "Can't you see that Double D is in character?"

Eddy raised an eyebrow at the taller boy, but kept his smart-ass comments to himself.

The trio made it to Nazz's with relatively no incidents, except for Ed's insistence on running along the top of fences and leaping from tree limbs and lampposts.

"Hi, guys!" breezed Nazz, looking stylishly cute in her Princess Leia costume as she let them in. "Cool costumes."

"**Thank you.**" Edd rasped and quickly marched past her without waiting on the other Eds.

"Whoa. What's up with Doubled, Eddy?" Nazz asked, turning to the boy with a sweetly confused and concerned expression. "That was Double D, right?"

"Yeah, that was Sockhead all right."

"So what's the matter? He seems mad about something…"

Eddy smirked slyly. "That's classified."

"What?"

"Classified. I could tell, but then I'd have to kill you," joked Eddy as he gave Nazz his best fighter-jock grin. His heart and ego swelled when Nazz giggled at his macho-ness.

"Hey Nazz, this dweeb buggin' you?" Kevin asked, adjusting the visor of his armor as he put his arm around her shoulders.

"It's cool, sweetie. Well, see you guys later." With a melting little smile, she turned and led Kevin back to the party.

Eddy glared after his rival. "That dirty rotten, tin-can wearing son of a…"

"Look! There's PUNCH and PIE, Eddy!" shouted big Ed as he grabbed hold of his buddy's arm and galloped to the refreshment table. He gleefully dove headlong into the punch bowl, lapping it up in sloppily gulps.

"Damn, Ed! You're a real animal," laughed Eddy, his Kevin-hating momentarily forgotten in the amusement of seeing the big lug acting like a badly trained puppy. He leaned up against the wall next to Ed, keeping cool as he scanned the room for Double D. Old Sockhead had been acting weird lately—well, weirder than _usual_—and it was starting to get to him. Since they'd gotten the car, Double D began having these frightening mood swings. One second, he was his regular anxiety-ridden yet goofy self, and then-BAM! Sockhead would go off into some bizarre little angst world, moping and losing his temper at any little thing. Eddy could recall that just last week Double D practically had poor Ed in tears—and all because the lump had asked him to come watch Ed at wrestling practice.

Eddy just couldn't understand why Sockhead had gotten his little panties in a twist over it. Okay, so maybe watching Lumpy and Rolf rolling around the gym floor in spandex unitards was the stuff of nightmares but the uniforms weren't Ed's fault. Besides, Rolf was so damn hairy that it looked like he was in a bear suit anyway. And wasn't it Double who encouraged the big lump to try out for the wrestling team in first place, spouting some crap about it being a 'classical sport'?

"Hey, Lumpy," Eddy asked in a moment of sudden curiosity. "What was it about those Babylonian guys and inventing wrestling?"

Ed dropped the pie pan he was gnawing on and turned to Eddy with an abnormally intelligent expression on his face. "Correction Eddy: it was the Ancient Greeks who made wrestling a standardized sport. They even came up with the Olympics Games, a series of competitions held in honor of the god Zeus. And did you know that the 'gym-' in 'gymnastics' means 'nude' because all male athletes in Ancient Greece used to play sports naked?"

Lowering his shades, Eddy stared in shock at Ed's unexpected display of brilliance. It was then that big Ed let loose an explosive belch right in his buddy's face and gleefully dove headlong into a platter of brownies. Eddy turned away with a disgusted frown. "Well, that didn't last…"

"Hiya Eddy!" chirped Jonny 2x4, popping up from nowhere dressed up like a certain megalomaniacal alien Invader. "Fun party, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Eddy grumbled moodily. "It's a real blast."

Leaning over as if to listen to something his faithful board had said, Jonny looked up at Eddy. "Plank says you look upset about something… Hey! Where's Double D? You having another fight?"

"No! We…eh, Ed just wanted some punch and I tagged along to make sure he wouldn't get lost. _Right,_ Ed?" He quickly jabbed the taller teen in the ribs.

"But Eddy, I thought Darth Vader ditched us because you were too busy staring down the front of Princess Leia's dress."

"**_That _**was Double D!" Jonny barked in horror. "Oh man! You were right, Plank! He has gone over to the Dark Side! We've got warn the Rebels…"

Before Jonny could escape, Eddy grabbed him up by the head. "Not so fast, walnut head! Tell us where you saw Double D!"

"NEVER, IMPERIAL SCUM!"

"No Eddy! You're doing it all wrong." Taking Jonny from Eddy's grasp, Ed sat the frightened boy down and did his best to look solemn. "Calm yourself, young Padawa. Eddy and I mean you no harm. For you see, we were sent by Master Obi-Wan to track down the Sith Lord that we may discover the nefarious plans of the Emperor. Will you not aid us in our mission?"

"My apologizes, master Jedi. Vader is outside, no doubt waiting for a messenger from Palpatine himself. May your mission be a success, my friends." With that, Jonny 2x4 turned and left.

"Thank you. And may the Force be with you, Jonny."

"Damn! I wish V would've given me a 'Geek-to-English' translation for this episode…"Eddy grunted, following Ed toward the back door. They found Double D right where Jonny said, standing in the shadows of Nazz's back patio with his back to them and staring up at the stars.

Angrily, Eddy stomped up to him. "All right, Dork Vader! What the hell is your problem? Me and Ed not good enough for you to hang with now anymore?"

Double D turned and seemed to glower down at Eddy. "**There was so much grammatically wrong with that sentence that I can't even begin to formulate a coherent response.**"

"You know what I meant!" Eddy snapped. "And take that stupid mask off! It's giving me the creeps, Double D."

"**No.** **I think I shall keep my mask on for the rest of the evening, Eddy. I doubt I'll stay much longer anyway… Now, why don't you and Ed go back to the festivities? wah-shhh I'm sure you'll be wanting to make another futile attempt at winning over Nazz's affections with more of your inane and egocentric posturing.**"

"Fine! Who needs you! C'mon Lumpy, let's—Hey! Where'd Ed go?"

They both turn just in time to see their dumb friend disappearing over the fence in pursuit of one rather terrified raccoon.

"**Oh for the love of…**" Sighing in annoyance, Edd started off after big Ed. "**Come on Eddy, we have to catch him before the poor lovable oaf gets hurt!**"

"Way ahead of you, Dork Helmet!" Eddy hollered, charging past Double D in hot pursuit. He made it as far as Rolf's backyard before Edd suddenly grabbed him by the collar and yanked him behind the chicken coop. "Hey! What the hell gives Sock-_mmmph!_"

"**Be quiet, Eddy**" rasped Double D, pulling his hand away from the boy's mouth. He then pointed toward a heavily robed figure bearing a bundled up rug. They watched the figure as it sat its burden gently by a hole in the ground before dropping to its knees to unwrap the dead body of Victor. The figure pulled back its to reveal that it was Rolf, his face wet with grief ridden tears as he lowered the body into the hole.

"Okay. Why the fuck is Stretch crying over the goat?"

Double D gave him yet another angry glare. "**Eddy, I find your lack of faith disturbing. Surely you cannot be so callous as to mock that sacred bond between a young man and his beloved pet. To Rolf, given the rustic culture his people come from, Victor must have been practically a member of the family! You can't even begin to understand the anguish Rolf feels at being parted from his most trust companion by the cruel bleak gulf of death. What makes it even more tragic is that we, his friends, have forsaken him in this most troubled time to go make merry at some stupid party, never once concerning ourselves with his well-being.**"

"Is that helmet cutting off the circulation to your brain, Sockhead? It's a funeral for a fucking goat! I'm not blowing Halloween Night sitting out here while Rolf prattles on about that fucking monster's life."

Beside himself with righteous fury, Double D was about to snarl at Eddy when he caught sight of Ed stalking toward a very preoccupied Rolf as the latter shoveled earth into the grave. Seeing Ed crouching down to pounce, Double D hurriedly tried to get his attention. "**No! Don't you dare—**"

But he was too late.

With an ungodly roar, Ed sprang into the air and sent Rolf reeling onto Victor's grave.

"FOUL HELL-BEAST!" screamed Rolf, leaping up to do battle with the playfully eager Ed. "YOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE SOUL OF VICTOR THIS NIGHT!"

Eddy collapsed in a fit of laughter as he watched the fight. "Atta' boy, Lumpy! Looks like things are starting to get fun, eh Double D?"

"**SIT BOY!**" shouted Edd, knocking the still snorting Eddy aside as he stormed toward the obediently sitting boy. "**That is a very, very bad boy!**" He turned to Rolf with a little apologetic cough. "**Please forgive his intrusion. He tends to get caught up in the moment.**"

"_The Dark Huntsman_…" gasped Rolf, eyes wide in superstitious fear. In a burst of frantic tears, he falls to ground and grabs hold of Double D waist. "Rolf begs you as the humble son of a shepherd to not take the soul of poor Victor to feast upon in you ghoulish halls of blood and torment! Take Rolf's soul instead! Take Rolf instead and spare Victor such a horrible fate!"

"**What! This is a mistake! I'm not… I… _Eddy, help me!_**" Double D's voice warbled in pants and wheezes while he struggled to break free of Rolf's viselike grip.

"Okay…okay…"panted Eddy, breathless with laughter. But before he could say anything, Ed tromped over and pried Rolf loose.

"Do not fear for Victor's soul, Rolf! For he was as good a goat as the cul-de-sac has seen and therefore shall be reward with an afterlife in the lush green fields of summery Arcadia, land of the golden fleeced sheep and honey-eyed goat-ewes."

Rolf turned his reddened eyes toward the still wheezing Double D. "Is…is it true, oh Dreadful Taker of Evil Souls?"

Breathing heavily, Edd nodded his head gravely.

"Thank you for your most gracious mercy, He Who Haunts the Unhallowed Places! You have the undying gratitude of this humble, unworthy son of a shepherd." Rolf sobbed, retreating at a quick but revert pace back into the safety of his house.

"'Night Rolf!" barked Ed.

"Now that was a real hoot! By the way, nice touch with the breathing there, Double D." Eddy chuckled, clapping his still panting friend's shoulder. When Edd didn't respond or quit wheezing, Eddy turned on him. "Okay, joke's over. Could you stop with the Vader act? It's bugging the shit out of me…"

"**Can't…breath!…my…inhaler gasp-suck… having an asthma attack…**" Edd began, then he keeled over face first into the ground.

…

…

"Eddy…" Ed spoke, leaning over the couch. "I think he's coming back around…"

Groaning, Double D sat up and looked around at his friends in a daze. "Wah-what happened?"

"You blacked out, genius." Eddy grumped. "Me and Lumpy had to drag you halfway across the cul-de-sac before we got back to your house. Geez…you know you weigh a fucking ton, don't you?"

Edd laughed weakly. "Thank you, Eddy." He stood and walked them to door. "Sorry for ruining your Halloween…"

"Ah, don't worry about it. It was a bust anyway…. By the way, it-was-really-nice-what-you-did-for-Rolf…" Eddy added in a quick burst of civility. "Well, we'll see you later, Sockhead."

"Bye, Double D!"

Smiling oddly, Edd waved goodbye to his friends and shut the door.


	3. Ediot Summer Part 1

**A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents**

_Episode 3: Wasn't It Like An Ed-iot Summer  
Part 1_

With childish happiness, Ed played with the air conditioners over the seat as Eddy went back over his plan with an increasingly annoyed Edd.

"Okay Double D," Eddy hummed from him perch on the back of Edd's seat. "Once we get to Norfolk, the first thing we've gotta do is go out and get ourselves some killer new threads, a couple piercings, and maybe a kick-ass tattoo or three. Then we'll cruise the beachfront strip for some hot babes to hang with for the weekend…Maybe even get 'em to come back to our room to party for the next couple days and then come back to Peachcreek the coolest guys in TOWN!"

Edd simply snorted and, closing his laptop, turned to glower at Eddy. "Are you aware that this is a _school_ sponsored trip, Eddy? That means we'll be under the supervision of chaperones for practically the entire duration of our stay."

"Yeah, so? We can still sneak off and go party a little…"

"Oh for God's sake! Eddy, it's mid-_March_!" snapped Double D. "Nearly every tourist trap and dive bar is closed for the season. How else do you think they were able to book our rooms so cheaply? Can't you put aside your hormones long enough to appreciate the educational opportunity we're being given? Must all efforts to improve our minds be forsaken for the cheap thrills and disposable pleasures offered up by the oversexed MTV garbage the media crams down our throat on an hourly basis!"

"Christ!" Eddy muttered, dropping back into his seat. "I just wanted to have some fun."

Again, Edd snorted. "I hardly see how repeatedly exposing oneself to hepatitis and a myriad of other STDs is fun."

Eddy pouted and angrily stuck his tongue out at his friend.

"There, there Eddy," big Ed said as he patted Eddy's head comfortingly. "Double D's just mad that he has to sleep with Rolf."

"WHAT!" Eddy and Edd screamed in unison, the latter's voice coming out strangled and mortified.

In a flurry of motion, Edd was over the seat and pulling Ed up by the collar of his jacket. "How do you know that! Who told you! WHO TOLD YOU!"

"Easy there, Mister Smarty-pants Angry Head…" Ed cooed, effortlessly picking Double D up and setting him back into his seat. "Now, you go to your happy place and calm down or else you'll have to set in the Naughty Corner."

Eddy stared. "Oh….-kay." He coughed then looked back at Ed. "I thought the three of us were supposed to be sharing a room?"

"That we were, Eddy!" chirped Ed. "But then Jonny and Plank decided to come along, so Ms. Applegate asked me if you and I could let them room with us. And I said yes, 'cuz Ms. Applegate's such a pretty lady and she's always being so sweet to me…"

"You did _what_!" Edd snarled, whipping around to glare at his dumb buddy. "Ed, how could you! And why for heaven's sake can't I room with you? It's only going you, Eddy, and Jonny."

"And Plank." Ed added.

For a moment, Double D stared at him, face white with rage. Then he exploded. "You must be joking! I have been cast aside for a piece of wood!"

"But Double D…" whined Eddy in mocking concern. "Aren't you always telling everybody not to tease Jonny about Planck because it might hurt Jonny's delicate mental state?"

"FUCK JONNY!" shrieked Double D. "What the hell about **_my _**fucking mental state?"

Eddy and Ed gaped in shock at him.

"Holy shit!" gasped Eddy. "_Sockhead_ bumped this up to a Mature rating! That is so cosmically wrong…"

"That's because he isn't the _Real_ Edd Double-D, but a Shoggoth sent to destroy us all! Stand back friend, lest you be engulfed by the fiend's roiling acidic folds!" Thinking fast, Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper emblazed with a hand-drawn Elder Sign. "Back! Back, filthy spawn from beyond! And give us back the mind of our dear Double D!"

Edd sighed. "Ed, what have I told you about those stories?"

"That I need a chant from the _Book of Eibon_ first to banishing you, oh beast from the wastes of Antarctica?"

"No Ed. Now, put that silly thing away." On that, Double D slumped wearily back into his seat to brood.

Ed turned to Eddy as he tucked the Elder Sign away. "It's stronger than I first suspected. Carefully, Eddy. We must keep close watch upon '_Double D_'—if he still exists…"

"I'm right with you, Lumpy." Eddy agreed, but for an entirely different reason. There was something a little _queer_ about the way Sockhead kept freaking out…

…

…

Hurrying away from the others after receiving his room key, Edd did his best to ignore the way Eddy had been staring at him since that outburst on the bus. He could justify Ed's vigilance as being a misguided attempt to re-enacted some plot from Lovecraft or Dereleth, but Eddy…

Eddy _knew_. Or at least, he seemed to _suspect_ the real reason behind all the sudden abnormalities in behavior. There could be no doubt now. Eddy had that glint in his eye, the look that said he wasn't going to give up until he found out just what the hell was going on. And when he got like that, there wasn't going to be any peace for Edd.

"Damn him and his stubbornness…" Edd growled to nobody in particular as he opened the door to his room and flicked on the light. He stood there, horrified.

It wasn't that the room was filthy. In fact, everything was spotlessly clean: carpet vacuumed, dresser dusted, table polished, fresh towels on the sink, and clean blankets on the bed. The _only_ bed.

One bed.

Edd dropped his bag on the floor and collapsed into the chair, feeling his chest tightening with the threat of another attack. He tried to do as Father—a doctor—had told him to, taking slow deep breathes to calm down.

'It has to be a mistake…' Edd told himself, making sure he had his inhaler on hand. 'A silly mistake. Nothing to get excited about…'

Excited? About sharing a bed with _Rolf_? Oh, cursed vocabulary!

There was one way out of this dilemma.

He got up and went to the phone, ready to call the front desk and ask for a roll-away bed…then stopped.

Eddy was already suspicious enough. It would be all too easy for him to jump to conclusion about why Edd would suddenly order up a separate bed. And going to the chaperones about getting another room assignment would definitely raise more than a few red flags for Eddy. Oh, he could just hear the questions now:

"Hey Sockhead, what's the matter? You got something against Stretch? Why you been acting so funny about him, anyway? Afraid he's gonna mistake you for a sheep? And you know what sheepherders do with their sheep when they're alone, don't you Double D?"

But on the other hand, what would the others say if he _didn't_ get a separate bed?

It was the proverbial 'rock and hard place' situation.

_Hard…_ Oh Lord! When would the double-entendres cease!

"Hullo, persnickety Edd-boy!" Rolf barked the greeting as he clapped a friendly hand on Double D's shoulder.

With a scream, Edd went flying upwards. It took a moment for gravity to get the better of him and pry his fingers from the ceiling. He landed on his back in the bed.

Rolf stared down at him, concerned but friendly. "Is this some new fangled 'how-do-you-do', feeble booklover Edd?"

"_Lover_?" croaked Edd, feeling uncomfortably warm all of sudden.

"That is what I said. Are you getting weak in the upper stories, Edd-boy?"

"No!" Edd rasped, then got a grip on himself as he sat up. "No. I was…You startled me, Rolf."

"Sorry." Rolf sat down beside Edd, still giving him a worried look. "Are you alright, Edd-boy? You are looking like Nana's custard after it has been creamed. And you shake like it does, too."

Edd tried not to contemplate the risqué thoughts of diary items Rolf had conjured up unwittingly. "I—uh, I'm just feeling a bit queasy, Rolf. All the fast-food and the drive…"

"Rolf understands, sickly Edd-boy." As he spoke, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of oily looking liquid. He popped the cork out of the bottle, releasing a cloud of gas that took on the shape of a skull and crossbones. "Luckily for you then that Rolf has brought along One-Eyed Great Nana's Potent Medicine Brew, a cure for all that ills both man and beast."

"That's very nice of you, Rolf, but I think I just need to get a little air and then I'll…" Before he could escape, Edd found himself back on the bed with Rolf straddling his waist. In one brief and hopeful second, it seemed one of those little daydreams had come true but his hopes were dashed when Rolf forced a mouthful of vile tasting Brew down Edd's throat. He squirmed out from under Rolf, gagging and sputtering. "DEAR GOD! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!"

"That means it's working!" Rolf barked as Edd slammed the bathroom door.

Rinsing his mouth out over and over again, Edd vainly but valiantly attempted to get that taste out of his mouth. He gave up, resigning himself to a lifetime of tasting One-Eyed Great Nana' Medicine then noticed the dull ache in groin. He desperately assured himself that it was just a side effect of whatever it was Rolf had given him, but that was a lie. This was an ache he'd been having on and off again for months.

Oh lord. He couldn't hide the bathroom all night and it would be rude to spend the next three days holed up with Ed, Eddy, Jonny, and Plank. On the other hand, Edd realized that the longer he was alone with Rolf, the more likely it would be that the naïve fellow would notice…

"Okay, Eddward, think!" he muttered to the sink. "You've kept it secret this long. Why should this time be different? Do is what you do: take a really cold shower and calculate PI to the millionth decimal place again. Or go back over the various species of ants. Just don't think about Rolf… Just don't think about Rolf…"

The moment he said that, Edd's thoughts immediately turned to the other boy. Whom he'd had a crush on since seventh grade. Who was also the closest thing he had to a friend besides poor, lovable, long-suffering Ed and Eddy— when he wasn't being a manipulative jerk. And Rolf was going to be sharing the same room—the same _bed_— with him for the next three days and two nights.

He was going to be taking a lot of cold showers…

---

_(To be continued…)_


End file.
